I spent a about an hour today reading some of the posts on an old friend' blog. She is a very unique person...at first glance, a very beautiful girl (honestly one of the prettiest people I know), very happy, loving, gentle, not over bearing, nor timid...her life story hasn't been easy, and she came to know Christ about two years ago. As far as I am concerned, she fits into the category of "Those Jesus Smiles Upon Regularly". I do not put myself in this category. And in reading through my friend's blog, I began to think about why...
She and I believe in the same Jesus, we should not be so different from each other. The simple answer is that she has seen God display Himself in her life in tangible ways, so she loves Him, believes He loves her, and they are happy in smiley face and exclamation mark land. But countless big things I have prayed for have not come to pass...big things, monumental life altering things, and I get a big fat NO. My friend and I are expected to love Jesus the same, to the same degree, to believe there is no inequality between us.
But I am being very short sighted in the above paragraph. My friend's life is not complete bliss. But the difference between her and me, is that she has found herself capable of letting go of the past that she does not control and being thankful the ways God is providing for her NOW. I could do that too. In not way is my life complete and utter crap. I could list things I am thankful for this very moment. Hell, I even have good days.
But I am continually resentful for the one thing I asked for that I never got. And I wont even write what it is here, because every time I say it I feel like a broken record. Just another girl with a sob story. I get that other people's lives are worse. OF COURSE. But why did God say no, and why did God say no to me? Ugh, I am so narcissistic.
You know, I don't need to know the answer to that. I can answer that. And logically I am "okay" with the answer. But here is what I want to know.
Brigitte, how did you let go? How do you not hold all of the stuff your mom did against her? Against God? How do you know, without a doubt, that at the end of the day, somehow, someway, there will be enough time? Enough money? Enough experience on your resume? We praise God because He is good, because He answers. He has answered me, and I am thankful for somethings. And I am utterly broken because of the things He will not change. How do you see Him so clearly when I don't? Is the problem with me?
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