Feeling Distant and Choosing to Listen.

I have been thinking a lot about listening to God and about how He speaks to us. Recently I have honestly been feeling like I can't hear His voice. So often I get caught up in thinking, "Well, if God WANTS me to do something, He will make it clear."

...but what if He doesn't make anything clear?

Better question: what does God Making Things Clear even look like?

And that is what I have been thinking about. For SO long I have lived my life sitting back, more or less just expecting good things to happen to me because "God Loves Me". And I am not saying He doesn't. But I have not played an active role in my own life. And Donald Miller does an excellent job of explaining my reasoning for not being an active participant in his book "To Own A Dragon", (which is about boys growing up without fathers, but as a DM disciple, I read it and found much of it applicable). He basically explains the feeling of not feeling invited to participate in life. Life wasn't for us, it was for other people to succeed in. We are not wanted by life, so we just remove ourselves from the picture. This leads to overflowing inboxes of unresponded to emails and sitting around. doing. nothing. Probably living in the fear that if we tried something we would fail, so why try.

But this year I realized that just sitting back doing nothing wasn't getting me where I wanted to go (I know, it's basically rocket science). So I swung the complete opposite direction and took matters into my own hands. And in many many ways, it has been very beneficial. I have begun to learn my place in this world and exactly what I have to offer and contribute. I am learning how to be balanced. I do chores now, my reading for school, AND spend time with friends. I have gained self esteem as a writer. I am still afraid of failing, but at least I have tools now instead of feeling helpless.

But as I have done this, I have stopped discussing things with God. I have been full speed ahead, just bursting through walls and slaying giants on my own. But as the year comes to a close, I am faced with many options, some that I like and others that I don't, with new boy situations, leadership opportunities, family issues and situations in friend's lives, I am at an overall general loss of what to do.

I feel distant from God. I don't know how to hear Him these days. I am at my wits end depressed by any means. It has just been so long since I simply sat, and listened. So I think that is what I am going to go and do right now.

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."