You have to Live before you Die

My day began at 6:33am, after waiting those extra three minutes deciding whether or not I really wanted to get up.

I made the wrong choice.

After groggily traipsing out of bed, my feet slipped out from under me on my way down the stairs. I landed on my right thigh, hit some obscure nerve/tendon thing in my right elbow (you know, that uncomfortable tingly pain), and acquired some sort of rug burn-esque thing on my left pinky. I sat on the stairs and shuddered off the pain and shock of the experience, knowing the I would feel better in a few seconds. I was still too sleepy to label the rest of my day jaded, and simply compartmentalized the event as unfortunate and carried on. And I was happy, because I was going to be on time to work.

But it didn't matter because then I got fired. Well, not fired, "let go", as the result of a "business decision". And because I was only part time, I have no rights and do not get to find out why this happened. I was taken into the middle office no one uses, sat down with the new senior media services coordinator who hates me and an HR person. I was told that they were Ending My Internship Early and that today was My Last Day. I sat there and took the news like I take any bad news, stoic and accepting. "Ok" was all I said. And they stared at me. I don't know what they expected me to do, I wasn't about to start bawling. They were obviously the ones running the show, what did they want me to say? They said they would need my City badge back. I said, "Ok". More staring. And the senior media services coordinator had this anxious compassionate mom look on her face, which was a complete joke because I know that she is the reason this all happened in the first place. I dislike that woman very much.

Today my Literature of Affliction teacher said, "Life is a comedy to those who think and a tragedy to those who feel." I laughed and wrote it down. I guess this makes me the former.

I feel very fragile right now. This is a very obscure time in my life, and I am not headed where I thought I would be. My life does look like what I thought it would look like and my family is not what it should be. I am no longer making decisions based off of what I think other people think is right, but based off of what I want and the level of internal peace each of my options gives me. And sometimes I have no peace at all. But that's the way it is for me right now. Some people might call it reckless. But I call it living. And maybe that's naive.

"You know, Carolyn, you have to live before you die." -Bob, right before he died of highly metastatic liver cancer.

I have no concrete direction, and God has torn away what direction I thought I had. So why not experiment and listen to the internal voice? At least I will have known I wasn't too afraid to try.

Besides, someone has to keep loan officers employed.