You have to Live before you Die

My day began at 6:33am, after waiting those extra three minutes deciding whether or not I really wanted to get up.

I made the wrong choice.

After groggily traipsing out of bed, my feet slipped out from under me on my way down the stairs. I landed on my right thigh, hit some obscure nerve/tendon thing in my right elbow (you know, that uncomfortable tingly pain), and acquired some sort of rug burn-esque thing on my left pinky. I sat on the stairs and shuddered off the pain and shock of the experience, knowing the I would feel better in a few seconds. I was still too sleepy to label the rest of my day jaded, and simply compartmentalized the event as unfortunate and carried on. And I was happy, because I was going to be on time to work.

But it didn't matter because then I got fired. Well, not fired, "let go", as the result of a "business decision". And because I was only part time, I have no rights and do not get to find out why this happened. I was taken into the middle office no one uses, sat down with the new senior media services coordinator who hates me and an HR person. I was told that they were Ending My Internship Early and that today was My Last Day. I sat there and took the news like I take any bad news, stoic and accepting. "Ok" was all I said. And they stared at me. I don't know what they expected me to do, I wasn't about to start bawling. They were obviously the ones running the show, what did they want me to say? They said they would need my City badge back. I said, "Ok". More staring. And the senior media services coordinator had this anxious compassionate mom look on her face, which was a complete joke because I know that she is the reason this all happened in the first place. I dislike that woman very much.

Today my Literature of Affliction teacher said, "Life is a comedy to those who think and a tragedy to those who feel." I laughed and wrote it down. I guess this makes me the former.

I feel very fragile right now. This is a very obscure time in my life, and I am not headed where I thought I would be. My life does look like what I thought it would look like and my family is not what it should be. I am no longer making decisions based off of what I think other people think is right, but based off of what I want and the level of internal peace each of my options gives me. And sometimes I have no peace at all. But that's the way it is for me right now. Some people might call it reckless. But I call it living. And maybe that's naive.

"You know, Carolyn, you have to live before you die." -Bob, right before he died of highly metastatic liver cancer.

I have no concrete direction, and God has torn away what direction I thought I had. So why not experiment and listen to the internal voice? At least I will have known I wasn't too afraid to try.

Besides, someone has to keep loan officers employed.

Weirdest Day of my LIFE

I was just told that we are not supposed to base relationships off of emotions. Well then what are we supposed to base them off of, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?? What role do they play?

Emotions are meant to enrich us, not to define us.

UM.

Ok, it sounds GREAT, but what does that LOOK LIKE??

I do not want an arranged marriage.

The end. Thank you. Good night.

Miracle

And the miracle of Christ in me, is the mystery that sets me free. I'm nothing like I used to be.

Fruit

I have been most amazed by God through fruit these past few days. Weird, right?

A loooong time ago, (four years) I remember a guy I used to know saying that he felt like the peach he was eating had been stolen from the Garden of Eden, it was THAT good. He gave me one, and I'll admit, they were a good batch of peaches, but I thought his analogy a bit extreme.

But the other day I was in the kitchen at the Civic Center and I picked a slice of left over council food green apple out of the gallon sized zip lock bag on the counter and took a bite. And my first hyper-Christianized thought was, "This is AMAZING! God created the taste of this apple...man didn't create this." Something about the crisp, juicy, tartness completely threw my taste buds for a loop. And while man can now bio engineer whatever they want to, we didn't originally make it. God not only created that flavor, but our ability to taste it too! I know, if I were reading this post right now, I would want to hit me right now too, but this is seriously what I thought.

This past weekend I was up in Big Bear with my Life Group, and I had a few bites of pear that had been cut for breakfast. Same experience! The taste was AMAZING. The flavors of fruit are just so distinct and unique. And I love that I had nothing to do with it, and yet there it is. Brilliantly created. A gift.

So today as you eat the piece of fruit you hold in your hand, remember where it came from, and thank the God who gives us good things. Like green apples and pears :)

Finally Free

No chain is strong enough
No choice is wrong enough
No mountain high enough that He
can't climb

No shadow dark enough
No night is black enough
No road is lost enough that He can't find

And if the Son has set us free
Then we must be, free indeed
Let the chains fall away, starting today
Everything has changed
I'm finally free

No pain is deep enough
No heart could bleed enough
Nothing but Jesus' love can make a way

And if the Son has set us free
Then we must be, free indeed
Let the chains fall away, starting today
Everything has changed
I'm finally free

By Nichole Nordeman

Truth perhaps?

When I say it out loud, it doesn't sound half as bad as it does in my head. What does that mean?

In the spirit of Valentines Day

An Ode to Hot Boy:

http://www.newuniversity.org/2010/02/features/hot-boy-the-one-that-got-away/

Haha!

Dear Donald Miller,

Today I realized that I want to be you. Not just a fan of your books (though I confess I have yet to read your most recent one), but actually BE you. I want to write about Christian spirituality and relationships between people and confusing situations people get themselves into and the ridiculous things they say. And I want to be picture-esque and deep and witty while doing it. Sort of like YOU.
But your bios are really less than helpful in providing me with a template. From reading your books I know you worked for a publishing company for awhile...took some bible classes...did a lot of hiking and road tripping...and met a lot of cool people. Out of curiosity Don, what exactly IS on your resume other than "I biked across America with Blood:Water Mission"? I am pretty sure you didn't go to college, so asking if you majored in "Being Awesome" isn't even a marginally legitimate question.
Living in Oregon. That is probably on your resume. And I think I will add that to my resume eventually too. But let's be honest, you gotta give a girl more to work with than that.

In the meantime, while I am figuring out how to be you, here is my list of things to do:
-get internship at Orange Coast (this kills many birds in my life, with one stone, though I don't necessarily advocate the killing of birds)
-make a list of places to intern in the IE
-make a list of journals, magazines, publishers, etc. that specialize in the type of writing I want to do.
-write about weird things that happen to me (aka, FIND VOICE)

This post is dedicated to Barry Siegle. If it weren't for him, I would not believe any of this is actually possible. Because of him, I know it is. Thanks Barry. And thank you God.

Love,
Melanie