Emotional Writer's Block

I am sitting here trying to write my paper and I can't because I am too upset that no one in my life ever told me my thoughts about things mattered.

I learned today that my thoughts DO matter. And I was going to write a very happy blog post about how I was so happy after therapy today, but now I am upset. I have wasted SO MUCH TIME PLEADING WITH OTHER PEOPLE TO JUST LOVE ME when there was nothing wrong with me in the first place. There was never anything wrong with me.

If I had known that, I would have made so many different choices over the past four years. I would fucking be somebody else. I think she would have been happier. I am a weird mix of sad and angry right now. I don't know what my therapist would call that emotion.

I hate that all we can do is move on. We can't go back and fix what has already happened. I hate that.

In other news, I learned today that my thoughts about things matter.

Writing this piece is hard because it is making me think about who I was, and I don't want to think about that anymore. I don't want to mull over bad habits. I want to keep moving forward and doing new things. I want to leave the past behind me. And because I have to write this piece I cannot do that.

This is disgusting and I want to leave and not write anymore and not think about it. But I have to.