Elizabeth

My therapist would be so proud of me.

Today, I am sad.

I am not angry (no more energy). I am not in denial (too much clarity). But what really matters

...is that I no longer think I can change it. No more formulas, patterns of behavior, clever combinations of words, periods of time, inflections, glances, hairstyles, witticisms. There is no longer an order I should be doing things in, a solution for me to figure out. All options have been exhausted, sucked dry, tried and reused, painted a different color, buffed and shined. But the horse is dead. I have sat next to a dead horse willing it to be alive for four years.

I wonder how Elizabeth Kubler Ross knew so much about loss. I wonder if she has a compelling or moving life story.

But I have finally...finally stopped bargaining. And I have moved on to the second D of DABDA. Depression. The D also stands for Dirty. Depression is a Dirty word.

This is the worst part of all of it. Because here you are absolutely helpless. In Denial you don't know any better; Anger you can get people on your side and yell a lot, and Bargaining you can try to FIX. And the wall between bargaining and depression is where I stop. I hit the wall, refuse to continue, and most times revert back to anger. Anger feels like you are accomplishing something, even though you are not.

When you are angry you are hurting yourself. And guess what?

The situation has not changed.

So today I am sad.

My therapist would be proud.